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By Georgia Grace, Certified Sex Coach.
We are speaking about sex and pleasure now more than ever before, can I get a hoo yeah? While there are many discussions, resources and movements celebrating sex, I’m still noticing a common theme: people are struggling to prioritise their pleasure.
When I ask my clients why they struggle – they’ll identify a few reasons; they don’t know what they like, want or need, it feels too vulnerable asking for it, they lack sexual self-confidence, experience sexual shame, they don’t feel they deserve it. There are many benefits to prioritising your pleasure – for your mental, physical, sexual health, for your relationships and overall wellbeing.
As we are often burdened by the need to be busy and productive, pleasure can be pushed to the wayside. Here are a few things to consider if you want to start prioritising pleasure.
Basically the sex ed you never had. This is a really important first and ongoing step. It’s vital you have access to useful, up-to-date, expert-led content and information. There’s something out there for everybody, whether it’s an online video course, podcasts, books on specific topics, forums or practitioners. Build yourself a toolkit of resources you can dip in and out of when needed. It will be be helpful to examine the messages you consume daily, removing anything that gets in the way between you and your pleasure. Such as, is there an account that leaves you feeling more bad than good? Or do you need some boundaries around how you engage with social media as a whole? The messages we consume and the information we engage with can have a huge impact on our nervous systems and overall well-being.
Like any new skill you’ll need to practice often. I invite my clients to explore their’ learning edge’. This is a space that can feel clunky, awkward and at times uncomfortable as you’re exploring something edgy or new for the first time. Start small with something like a few minutes of pleasure each day; taking 5 extra minutes to moisturise your body, having a sensual shower each morning or night, repeating sex positive affirmations, eating food that turns you on, booking in a weekly or monthly solo date, getting your feet on some grass in your lunch break, creating a sexy playlist and grooving to it before work. It can be anything that starts making pleasure a daily priority.
Stop settling for average or enduring something that doesn’t quite hit the spot. It is vital to move away from this habit. When you’re receiving, be as descriptive, communicative and expressive as possible, this can be both verbal and non-verbal cues. You have to learn how to be a good lover – no one is born with exceptional fingering or oral skills, and even if you are, every single body is different, so each time you have sex with someone new, consider yourself a student. I understand that ‘learning’ can feel easier said than done, so I encourage my clients to try something called a ‘practice and a play session’. A practice session involves setting aside time to practice a type of touch, kiss, oral, massage or specific sexual experience with a partner. This is an opportunity to communicate, be descriptive, and learn together – the goal is not necessarily to orgasm rather, it’s an opportunity to learn. Then the play session is the chance to put it all into action and explore pleasure. You could practice and play for the rest of your life and always learn something new about your body and others.
Solo sex is one of the most useful tools for learning about your body, arousal and pleasure. A regular maz practice is also key for many people in learning how to prioritise their own pleasure as no one else is around, they know exactly what they want, can explore new things and -perhaps the more obvious one – it feels really good. When my clients are starting out, I’d recommend they explore seven days of self-pleasure, trying something new each day or setting aside an hour on Sunday (or a time that feels good for them) to be with their body.
Repeat after me: Pleasure is good for you, do it often.
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